What I Want for Father’s Day (2015)

Hiya, Knucklehead. Because I love you, I want to spare you the stress and worry that can come with Father’s Day. You want to give me the perfect gift, and I’d like to receive the perfect gift. So like I did last year, I’m going to help you out with some gift suggestions. No, don’t thank me. It’s my pleasure.

  • Inherent Vice should be out by now on DVD, right? That’d be nice.
  • Neko Case tickets would be pretty sweet.
  • Warning track power.
  • I’d like to be cast as the villain in the next James Bond film.
  • How about lunch at one of those buffet restaurants? If possible, I’d like you to find a buffet restaurant jointly owned and operated by Five Guys and Shake Shack. It would be ideal if they also had contributions to the buffet from Pepe’s Pizza, Solly’s Grille, Joe’s Kansas City Bar-B-Que, and Old Forge Brewing Company (their contribution should include, but not be limited to, the taps). A little Ben and Jerry’s would be nice, too. This restaurant should be open late, since I may need to nap in between trips to the buffet table.
  • Hand me the remote, will you? No, seriously, put down the remote. Pick out something you’d like to watch, and commit. You can do this. Your channel surfing is how televisions get Tourette’s. And while we’re on the subject, stop switching the channel over to something nobody but you wants to watch, and then leaving the room. With the remote.
  • I’d like to spend one game in the broadcast booth as an announcer during the World Series. I would like to be joined by Al Pacino and Christopher Walken.
  • If you ever make it as a film director, I’d like to have a cameo in your first film. My cameo appearance could be listed in the credits as “Man Haranguing Rob Manfred.” This cameo should be thirty minutes long.
  • A syringe of propofol, a tattoo gun, and ten minutes with A-Rod.
  • Make it twenty minutes. I’m feeling creative.
  • Actually, make it two syringes, forty minutes, and throw in Donald Trump.
  • I would like Vin Scully to record an audiobook of my blog posts. If he gets tired, James Earl Jones can take over for him.
  • When you were three years old, I made you a root beer float. You took one sip, your eyes got huge, and you said, “Dad! You’re a genius!” If you could work up that level of enthusiasm for something I said or did again, I’d be grateful.
  • I would like to be a guest on Real Time with Bill Maher along with Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Sam Harris, and Elizabeth Warren. I promise not to bother anyone; I’ll just sit quietly at the end of the table and color. If they all chuckle appreciatively at a bon mot from yours truly, I can die happy.
  • On the other hand, if I could make Tina Fey laugh so hard she snorts milk through her nose, that would be pretty cool, too.
  • I would like you to convince as many people as you can that I am the kind of a guy that can pull off wearing a kilt.
  • Pass the cheese curls, will ya?
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